


Dreams Side Stories

by Lex_Munro



Series: Dreams of the Waking Man [4]
Category: Cable and Deadpool, X-Force (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Birthday Party, F/M, Het and Slash, Humor, M/M, Mild Language, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-11
Updated: 2011-08-11
Packaged: 2017-10-22 12:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lex_Munro/pseuds/Lex_Munro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A trio of Laura-centric side stories from Dreams of the Waking Man, set between Dreams and Nightmares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Celebrate

**Author's Note:**

> There are actually several more Dreams Side Stories, but they were written by another author with my permission. And technically, a few parts of Beautiful Disaster (which is set mostly concurrent with the Dreams sequence) are Dreams Side Stories...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's eighteenth birthday party, as hosted by Wade 'n Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> b-day fic for [~Tabitha-Kittywitch](http://tabitha-kittywitch.deviantart.com) over at deviantART. the request was a Laura birthday party (before she and Julian are actually a couple), featuring a piñata, someone telling Laura not to open presents with her claws, Hope giving a childish gift, Wade forcing Nate to eat cake (and ensuing sugar-high).
> 
>  **warnings:**   Earth-339.  mild pixie-bashing.  violence against fruit, eggs, and papier-mâché animals.  questionable alteration of food.  language: pg-13 (for one use of f***).
> 
>  **pairing:**   some Nate/Wade, some Laura/Julian.
> 
>  **timeline:**   autumn 2012? i'm pretty sure there's no official birthday for Laura, so i'll say it's an autumn birthday. she strikes me as a libra.
> 
>  **disclaimer:**   i doesn't owns the movies, comics, or characters. or the assorted objects of pop culture reference.
> 
>  **notes:**   1) even after living at the X-Mansion for two years and change, there are a lot of things Laura just doesn't get about 'normal' life, and birthday parties are up at the top of the list. XD  2) i waver back and forth on how much of Laura's natural personality she allows to show.  she has a tendency to pretend to be 'normal' around Hope, but i think she's slowly figuring out that the people who matter really don't mind her weirdness that much.  3) yes, deep-fried tarantulas are delicious, if you pretend you're eating soft-shell crab...  4) Nate's problem with telekinetic explosions probably stems from the death of the Wade in the second divergent future they hit in [Hoping Never Hurt Anybody ~~But Me~~](http://archiveofourown.org/works/237601/chapters/364211).  5) an egg-relay involves holding a spoon with your mouth and carrying a raw egg in it, then passing the egg from your spoon to your teammate's spoon.  6) royalties/copyrights are the reason you usually don't hear Happy Birthday being sung on TV shows.  7) the [Self-Rescuing Princess shirt](http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/giftsforher/b3e7/) really exists.  8) the recurring Hello Kitty gag started in [Mature](http://archiveofourown.org/works/237601/chapters/364241) (from the **Dreams** sequence).

**Celebrate**

 

Laura frowns at the brightly colored animal.  “I don’t understand,” she says.

Wade hoists the thing up with a rope over a tree branch.  “Well, you put on a blindfold and take a big stick and try to beat the crap outta the little fucker.”

“Bad word, Daddy!” says Hope.

“The little effer,” he corrects.  “My own kid scolding me, can you believe that?”

“I know the basic process of breaking a piñata,” Laura tells him.  “I also know that the piñata is another effigy tradition, one based on renewal in Asia or faith triumphing over temptation in the Christian world—though I’ll admit it seems self-defeating when the reason most people want to break a Lent piñata is related to greed.”

Wade snorts.  “You take things way too literally, Greenie.  Breaking sh—stuff is fun, and it can be turned into something competitive, so it became a party game.”

She frowns.  “That still leaves the donkey with no tail unexplained.  As far as I can tell, it’s absolutely pointless.”

“It’s funny to watch someone stick the tail on its nose,” Hope says.  “Sandi says that the point of party games is to make people feel more at ease through mutual self-ridicule.”

“Sandi knows all,” says Wade.

Laura looks around the lawn.  “So…the combination of victimless violence and mutual self-ridicule is the reason for the doomed watermelons, the balloons filled with colored water, the eggs?”

“Exactly.”

“You’re gonna have tons of fun, Laura,” Hope declares.  “Did you see how many presents there are?”

She glances at the tables closer to the mansion.  “Yes,” she admits.  “I did.  There are no fewer than fifteen parcels so far, but I’m not sure they’re all from different people.  And someone got me a live animal.”

“Puppy?” asks Hope.

Laura shakes her head.  “Some sort of rodent.  I don’t know who thought of it, but I’m sure it’s not normal to think that it smells delicious.”

“That’s an unfair assumption,” Wade says as he ambles toward Emma (who is setting the tables).  “There are places in southeast Asia where it’s normal to think that deep-fried tarantulas smell delicious.”

“Are they?”

“Sure, but the texture can be pretty nasty.  Just pretend you’re eating soft-shell crab and it’s good stuff.”

Emma smiles and folds her hands together.  “Laura, dear, I think that’s Megan and the girls pulling into the drive now.  That’s everyone, so let’s go and greet all your birthday guests.”

Awkwardly, Laura follows Emma through the house.  It’s still odd to think that so many people are making such a fuss.  Wade says that a person’s eighteenth birthday is an important milestone, and she supposes that makes sense, since it’s the country’s age of legal majority.

So she’s in something of a daze when Megan and their friends from Utopia are hugging her and exclaiming over her (Megan’s perfume is cloying, and her lip gloss leaves a sticky mark on Laura’s cheek).  More presents are added to the pile (Alani stops Megan from setting something on top of the live rodent’s box by pointing out the air holes).

The games still seem bizarre and nonsensical, but everyone smiles and laughs.

Josh fails spectacularly at hitting the piñata, Wade gives his turn to Hope (he says he’d have an unfair advantage, and Laura has to concede the point), and Victor nearly clocks Bobby before decapitating the papier-mâché bear.

Alani, it turns out, is impossible to disorient—Megan and Nori spin her twice as long as anyone else before they let her try to pin the tail on the donkey, and she goes straight for the target like she isn’t even blindfolded.

Julian challenges Wade and Santo to some ridiculous antics with the watermelon-smashing contest…Julian wins by exploding his watermelon from the inside (to which Nathan objects strenuously, if the long lecture thirty feet away from the party is any indication).

Sooraya is too shy to agree to the egg relay unless they split the teams girls-against-boys.  The result, as might be expected, is that the boys break almost all their eggs and the girls get all of theirs across safely.  Wade and Hope spare three minutes to mourn the lost eggs (who all had little faces drawn on them, and had apparently all been named) before they start a water balloon war.

Needless to say, Soo cheats; she doesn’t like getting wet.  The only attempt to get ‘boring grown-ups’ involved ends with Logan glaring menacingly while a pink stain spreads across his shirt.  Laura manages to dodge most of the balloons aimed her way, until Cessily betrays her with a slide-by dousing.  They calm down when they realize they’re down to the last balloon, and they gather around Wade, waiting to see what he’ll do with it.  He eyes Nathan, who is standing a short distance away, talking with Emma.

The balloon goes flying.  They scatter.

“ _He_ did it!” Cessily is already yelling accusingly.

In an instant, Nathan reminds them all that he has lived to a _ripe_ age in timelines where constant genocidal warfare is a way of life—with a graceful scoop of his hand, he catches the balloon without breaking it and flings it right back at Wade.

Wade goes down in a fit of theatric gurgling.  “He got me, princess!  You’ll have to carry on without Daddy…be strong…”

“Get up, drama queen,” sighs Hope.

“You should know better than to try that sort of thing, Wade,” Nathan chides.  “You were too quiet; I don’t trust you when I can’t hear you.”

Still prone, Wade shakes his fist.  “Curse you, worthy rival!”

At that point, Scott and Peter bring out the cake.  It’s neon pink and entirely too big and has Hello Kitty on it.  From Wade’s knowing grin, the cake is his fault.  Laura grins back.  They sing Happy Birthday (Wade says something confusing about copyright laws preventing public performances of the song), and Cessily reminds her to make a wish when she blows out her candles (she wishes for a year without plagues, meteors, or alien invasions).

“Don’t give him that—” Cessily says when she sees the huge slice of cake Julian has cut for Bobby.

Wade reaches in and takes the plate.  “Yeah, put it in more responsible hands.”  He passes it to Nathan, who raises an eyebrow.

“I don’t want this.”

“Sure you do.”

“Wade, no.”

“Nate, yes.  It’s Greenie’s big day, everybody’s got to nom liberal amounts of cake and ice cream.”

Laura honestly doesn’t understand it—but there are a lot of things about ‘normal’ life that she doesn’t understand, even after more than two years.

But Nathan and Wade bicker and banter, and Hope joins Wade’s side, and Nathan gives up.

Fifteen minutes later, Emma swoops in to start collecting plates and Hope starts carrying presents to Laura.

“Some of these are delicate,” says Santo.  “So don’t use your claws.”

“Really, man?” Cessily says, smacking his arm.  “On her _birthday_?”

“What?”

Laura ignores them and opens her presents.  She reads all the tags carefully, and unwraps by finding the seams and pulling the tape free (Wade scolded her for it at Christmas, told her that she should just rip the paper off and fling it over her shoulders).  Megan and Nori got her clothes that she will probably never wear.  Alani got her a shirt that says ‘Self-Rescuing Princess,’ which is probably some obscure cultural reference.  Soo got her a huge chocolate bar (“Every woman deserves chocolate, don’t you think?”).

About halfway through her presents, she realizes that Nathan is fidgeting.  He won’t hold still.  He jogs one knee, drums his fingers absently on the table.  “I told you,” he mutters to Wade.  “I told you not to give me all that sugar, you know what sugar does to me, I get hyper, I could’ve done with less than half as much cake and been perfectly happy and _not_ hyper.  This is your fault.”

Wade blithely (and rather cheekily, in Laura’s opinion) grins and goes on passing presents to Laura.  A Bogart movie from Victor (Sabrina, a mutual favorite).  A nice knife from Santo.  Mindless action flicks from Cessie and Bobby and Josh.  The original Star Wars trilogy from Julian (who often insists that it’s a travesty she hasn’t seen it).  Crayons from Hope (because crayons are ‘magical’ and changed her life).  A green-clad plush Hello Kitty from Wade (she punches his arm for dragging the joke on far too long).

The rodent she smelled turns out to be a fat brown hamster that just stares up at her with beady black eyes and twitching whiskers.

“I don’t understand,” she manages as she stares back at the thing and tries not to think about how it would taste.

“I think ya do, girl,” Logan replies smoothly, and taps the hamster’s plastic prison.

She watches the creature watching her.

It’s a lesson of some kind.

She thinks briefly of the piñata.  A lesson in overcoming temptation, in moving beyond base instincts.  Their feral nature makes it easy to think of the people around them as prey.  The idea is to learn how to cherish them in spite of that.

She nods.  “I’ll take good care of him.”

“I know you will.”

“Yes, wonderful, delightful,” Nathan babbles, and jumps to his feet.  “Happy birthday, Laura.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to go clean something.  The whole house, perhaps.  Or the lawn, I could mow the lawn, the whole lawn.  I could wash the windows, the windows haven’t been washed in _ages_.”

“Excellent idea, Nathan,” says Emma as Nathan rushes off.  She smiles sweetly.  “More cake, anyone?”

Josh scoffs.  “Only if whatever you drugged him with isn’t in the rest of it.”

“Drugged?” gasps Wade.  “My poor precious Priscilla, a victim of humorous recreational controlled substances?  Base slander!”

“Daddy, you’re not fooling anyone,” Hope tells him.  “Just because you didn’t put drugs in it doesn’t mean you didn’t do _something_ to it.”

“I may have possibly theoretically arranged for that particular slice of cake to have about twice as much sugar as any other part of the cake.”

“Evil,” says Megan with a disapproving little pout.

“But funny,” adds Julian.

“Hysterical,” agrees Bobby.

“Whatchu gonna call ‘im?” Alani asks, staring at the hamster.

Hope puts her nose right up against the hamster’s box.  “He looks like a Conrad.  Let’s go watch Star Wars!”

So Laura tucks Conrad the Hamster’s box under her arm, lets Hope pick up the movies, and sets off toward the mansion.

Wade and Hope lead the way at a run (quoting the movie the whole time), followed by Josh and Cessily and the others, while Scott, Logan, and Emma stay behind to start cleaning up the mess.

Julian gradually lags behind to keep pace with Laura.  “Having fun?” he asks.

She nods.  “I think so, yes.”

“Good.”

The sound of a panicked heartbeat and a brief smell of giddy attraction are the only warning she gets before Julian leans over and kisses her cheek.

“Happy birthday, L.”

She ducks her head to hide behind her hair.  She’s smiling so hard her face hurts.

 

 **.End.**


	2. Alas, Poor Conrad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midway through pregnancy, Laura suspects she may be sleep-eating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **warnings:**   cracky humor.  consumption of small, cute animals.  mild violence.  language: g.
> 
>  **pairing:**   Laura/Julian, with background Nate/Wade.
> 
>  **timeline:**   January 2017 (Laura's about 5 months pregnant here).
> 
>  **disclaimer:**   i doesn't owns the movies, comics, or characters. or the assorted objects of pop culture reference.
> 
>  **notes:**   1) Hank is basically the household medical encyclopedia. XD  2) diphenyl oxalate is a luminescent chemical.  it's toxic, though, so it's not recommended for volcanoes around small children; it's strictly a "show the college kids that you can make something glow and explode at the same time" kind of thing.  3) sleepwalking often involves doing other things in your sleep--eating, watching TV, doing laundry...but since you're actually asleep, you often grab the wrong objects or try to do things in the wrong locations, such as trying to cook at your computer desk or folding your clothes and putting them away in the fridge.  4) Conrad was a birthday present in **Celebrate**.  hamsters only actually live about two years, but i don't expect that's something Laura would know (unless she'd researched hamsters when she got Conrad...let's just pretend she had no idea).  5) cockatiels, smallest member of the cockatoo family, can occasionally be taught to mimic words, but it's quite rare (and they can't amass the kind of vocabulary seen in more talkative species like budgerigars or grey parrots).  6) "Bones" was the nickname of Star Trek's Dr. McCoy.

**Alas, Poor Conrad**

 

“Doctor McCoy.”

Hank pauses with his teacup halfway to his mouth and turns.

Laura is standing in the kitchen doorway, drumming her fingers on her stomach and casting furtive looks around.

“Laura, my dear, you look dreadful.  Are you sleeping well?”

Her eyes keep darting over the kitchen, almost guiltily.  “Somewhat.  Perhaps.  My back bothers me less since you suggested the pillow under my knees.  You said I should indulge cravings, correct?”

He sets his tea down, carefully avoiding the leftover spatters of neon orange from Hope’s enthusiastic (perhaps overly enthusiastic, with the mad-scientist-laughter) demonstration of a baking soda volcano to some of the younger students.  At least he talked her out of the diphenyl oxalate version.  “Yes, cravings are your body’s way of telling you what it needs.”

She frowns, still drumming her fingers.

“Laura, if you keep doing that, those babies are going to wonder if they’re under attack.”

She clenches her fists and awkwardly tucks them under her arms.  “What about sleepwalking?  Can pregnancy cause sleepwalking?”

“Occasionally, the hormonal changes can cause sleepwalking, yes.”

“And sleep _eating_?”

Slowly, Hank puts his glasses down on the crossword puzzle (which has an orange spot over twelve across).  He tries very hard not to laugh.  “Are you worried that you’ve perhaps eaten something you shouldn’t have?”

In lieu of drumming her fingers on her stomach, she starts pacing.  “Last Wednesday, the nest of swallows outside our window disappeared.  Over the weekend, the family of rabbits near the boathouse vanished.”

“Oh, dear,” he says.  He reminds himself that laughing right now would be _horrible_.  In the middle of her second trimester, Laura would probably burst into tears and then break his arm.

“And…and last night…this morning…”

He puts on his very best ‘I’m a doctor, I understand,’ face.  “What’s gone missing today, dear?”

She sits next to him at the table and folds her hands tightly together.  “It’s awful.  This was the whole point you know.  I was supposed to take care of him, no matter what sort of temptations I might face.  God, I’m going to be a horrible mother!”

“Oh, don’t say that…  Come now, how bad can it really be?  I haven’t heard any news of Nicolette’s cat going missing.”

Laura waves her hand quickly.  “Oh.  No.  Have you ever tasted cat?  Yuck.  Aside from certain birds and reptiles, carnivores in general have this awful, mucky sort of—nevermind that.  No, it’s Conrad.”

He blinks.  “Conrad.”

She looks at him expectantly.

But he honestly doesn’t remember a pet in the house named Conrad.  Cessily has goldfish, but they’re all named after female characters in some silly video game.  One of the children has a pet cockatiel, but its name is Marco (and the only word it ever says is ‘polo’).

“Conrad, the hamster Logan gave me for my eighteenth birthday,” she finally says, sounding put-out.

Ah, he remembers the thing now.  He’s only seen it once, when she moved her things into Julian’s room.  It was quite a while ago, no wonder he didn’t remember.  Hamsters don’t live very long, after all (in fact, this must be some spiritual successor to the original, unless people have been doing very odd and semi-unethical things to it).  “Yes, of course.”  Now he sees the problem.  “Well, Laura, one can hardly help what one does in a fit of somnambulation.”

“What should I tell Julian?”

“Do you feel you owe him some sort of explanation?  Conrad was _your_ hamster.  Simply tell him the facts:  in a fit of midnight craving, you sleepwalked and ate poor Conrad.”

She pouts at him.  “You are _terrible_ at this.”

He sighs.  “Shall I go get Wade?  The two of you seem to commune on some odd psychological wavelength that I have so far failed spectacularly at comprehending.  Unless…”  He pauses again.  “Laura, dear, you’re not worried that you’ll eat your _children_ , are you?”

Her face goes quite pale, and he once again forces himself not to laugh.

“Oh, _Laura_ …”  He pats her hands.  “From a purely biological standpoint, I can tell you that your babies will _not_ smell delicious.  In fact, for quite some time, they’ll smell exactly like _you_.  Have you ever had a craving for your own hand or foot?”

“Well, no…”

So Hank smiles his most reassuring smile, pats her hands again, and goes back to his tea.

“Alas, poor Conrad!” Wade says as he bursts through the kitchen door.  “We knew him, Bones.”

“I assure you, I long ago tired of Star Trek jokes,” Hank replies blandly.

“You knew?” Laura demands, pouting again.

Wade hugs her around the shoulders and mimics her pout.  “Oh, _honey_ , of course I knew.  You were making crunchy noises in the middle of the night and I got curious.  We can hold a funeral for him, I’ll say something nice…Conrad was a fellow of infinite jest!”

“Please, enough Hamlet,” Hank begs.  “Shakespeare must be rolling in his grave.”

“Don’t worry about the legalities, either,” Wade goes on.  “We’ll plead maternity cravings, no jury in the state’ll convict you.”

Hank holds up a finger.  “In point of fact, I’m not sure it’s illegal to eat a hamster in the state of New York.”

Wade pats Laura on the head.  “And it’s not like you didn’t know Conrad’s been quietly replaced twice already.”

She looks at him in utter horror.

“Ooh, was that still a secret?  Uh, forget I said that, Greenie.  Yes, hamsters totally live about five or six years in captivity, so it was probably his time to go, and you did him a favor by eating him.  He was able to help his beloved owner satisfy a craving before the end of his unnaturally long life!”

“You let me think my hamster was still alive?!” she shrieks, punching him in the ribs.

“Ouch.  Hey, wasn’t me.  I believe in telling little girls the truth about the mortality of pets.  Besides, the other two were just as much yours as the first one.”

“Well if it wasn’t you…”  Suddenly, she hops up from the table with a stormy look on her face.  “Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to go punch my husband now.”

The sound of the domestic dispute carries through the halls as it migrates around the house.  Thuds of impact, the occasional clink of jostled tables, yelps of pleading explanation…

Wade grins broadly at Hank.

Hank thinks desperately that he’d prefer to cling to plausible deniability.

“So I was thinking of giving her a guinea pig at the baby shower.”

“The girl will _shred you_ ,” Hank replies, and finally fills in twelve across.

 

 **.End.**


	3. Godfather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura wants Wade to be the godfather of her children, but he's reluctant to accept the role.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally a twenty-sixth Dream chapter, but i decided it fit better with the paired side stories about Laura.
> 
>  **warnings:**   cracky humor.  video game violence.  mild threats of violence.  some mild pixie-bashing.  language: pg-13 (for f*** and s***).
> 
>  **pairing:**   Laura/Julian, with background Nate/Wade and Megan/SomeGuy.
> 
>  **timeline:**   April 2017 (Laura's about 8 months pregnant here).
> 
>  **disclaimer:**   i doesn't owns the movies, comics, or characters. or the assorted objects of pop culture reference.
> 
>  **notes:**   1) cohorts. XD  what a great word.  by 'cohorts,' Wade means his mansion buddies:  Bobby, Warren, Josh, Julian, and Cessily.  2) yeah, yeah, they're playing Dead or Alive.  i can't help it, it's one of my favorite fighters.  and Spartan is such a cheap bitch.  fortunately, she's not very fast.  3) in point of fact, the kids end up being named James Logan (after Julian's brother and the big furball) and Juliet Kiden.  4) Rex, which means "ruler," is the masculine form; Regina is the feminine form.  5) Izuna Drop is Hayabusa's nastiest combo throw in DOA; for a long time, it was the most damaging move in the game, and it's almost impossible to escape.  "i can see your house from heeeeeere" is something my friend MerianMoriarty usually says when she pulls it off. 

**Godfather**

 

Wade is in the midst of a pre-tantrum pout.  His cohorts have turned on him (curse their sudden but inevitable betrayal…), and he wishes fleetingly for Bob, Weasel, and Hayden to show up and take up his side of the argument (which he is sure to eventually lose, with Laura on the other end of it).

“Just save us all the time and aggravation by saying yes,” Julian sighs.

“ _You_ coulda saved us all the time and aggravation by keepin’ it in your _pants_ ,” Wade mutters, staring at the television screen with intense focus.

“Oh snap,” says Cessily, mashing buttons on her controller.

Julian makes a snide face at her.  “Technically, it’s _Josh’s_ fault for fixing the genetic sterility thing.”

Josh squawks, distracted enough for Cessily to gain an advantage.  “You kidding?  She made the _face_.  That one where they stare at you and talk in a slow, even tone and you can’t help hearing ‘or I’ll claw you in half’ at the end.  She’s better at it than Logan now, it’s fucking _creepy_.”

“Eat it!” Cessily crows, jumping up onto the couch and throwing her hands in the air.  “Spartan in the house!  That’s how you hit like a girl, bitches!”

“Spartan’s cheap,” complains Josh.  “Like frigging Guile in Street Fighter.  Half her moves interrupt everybody else’s.”  He passes the controller to Julian.

“Speaking of the dreaded Logan-face,” Julian goes on meaningfully.

“Yeah, I saw it,” Wade says.  “Greenie seems to forget I’m immune to it.  Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to Logan saying ‘hi’ by sticking his claws through my skull, so the threat of dismemberment is kind of matter-of-course.”

“Why don’t you wanna be a godfather?” Cessily asks him while Julian picks a character.  “I mean, first there’s all the great movie quotes.  And then there’s all the completely guilt-free spoiling.  And since they’re not yours, you can always load ‘em up with caffeine and give ‘em back to their parents.”

“ _No_ ,” Julian says firmly.  “Wade, man, I like you…but I will fucking _shun you_ if you pull that shit on me.  I will shun you so hard you’ll get _frostbite_ every time you bounce off my teke Wall of Shunning.”

“Harsh,” hisses Cessily.

“Fully,” agrees Josh.

“I dunno,” Wade says, mostly to himself.  He watches the game for a while, a chick in space armor beating the crap out of a Bruce-Lee-wannabe while cherry blossoms fall tranquilly around them.  “First of all, I think we’ve misplaced the meaning of the word ‘godparent’ over the years, because I’m awfully anti-religious for the job.  Second of all, getting to be a dad kinda snuck up on me, and I’m still not really used to it, so I guess it just feels like…like I just got behind the wheel for the first time and since it turns out I can go a whole day without crashing, somebody thinks I should be trusted with a brand new Caddy.”

They all start laughing (Cessily’s cackling so hard she falls onto the floor; Julian is nice enough to only take a few free shots before he pauses the game).

“Are you serious?” Julian says.  “Hope is _fine_.  She’s probably the most well-adjusted kid on the planet.  If anybody’s gonna traumatize my kids through screwy parenting, it’ll be my wife.  L seriously drew up a _mission plan_ for her pregnancy, with a week-by-week calendar, a daily diet and exercise plan, and a full contingency for twins.”

Cessily makes a serious face and gets up to pat Wade’s shoulder.  “C’mon, it’ll mean a lot to Laura.  You were only, like, the third or fourth person she’d ever met who didn’t treat her like a freak until they got to know her.”

Wade scowls.  “Yeah, well…I got some pretty definite ideas about fucked up genetic experiments and shit like that.  Being put together wrong doesn’t make you a freak—the real freaks are the assholes who tried to rewrite your blueprints.  Shit.  Fine, fine, I’ll do it—”

“Yay!” the redhead cheers, bouncing back to her spot on the couch.

“—but only because I know your next step would be to get Hope on your side,” Wade finishes.  “I don’t need her making sad-puppy face and saying ‘pwetty pweeeeease, Daddy’ like the time _somebody_ put it into her head that I needed to attend a wedding over on that boring-ass ugly floating scrap heap.  I don’t even _like_ Megan, I can’t _stand_ that perky little pink bug.”

“You had fun,” Josh gripes.  “I saw you spiking the punch.”

“That was Alani’s idea, thanks,” Wade corrects.  “And _her_ wedding I would _totally_ go to.  She throws a good party.”

“Can you imagine?  It’d be a week-long luau.”

Cessily wins again and hums happily.  “Man, a week-long luau, think of all the awesome food…  That’s it, we’ve gotta get Alani a fiancé.  We’ll call it ‘project week-long luau.’  Phase one, go to Cali and start looking for suitors.  Phase two, ferry them all over to Utopia.  Phase three, begin Season One of The Mutant Bachelorette.”

Wade snorts.  “Phase four, Mutant Jerry Springer?”

Julian waves the controller at Wade.  “So, fairy godfather, you got any input on baby names?”

“I have no originality or imagination when it comes to names,” Wade grunts, taking the controller.  “Name ‘em after other people.  Relatives and friends are usually a safe bet.  Name ‘em James and Juliet for all I care.  I’ll probably end up calling ‘em something like ‘chipmunk and squirrel,’ anyway.”

“Moose and squirrel?” snickers Cessily.  “Hurry up and pick someone, the kids are almost done with class, and then we’ll have to give up the TV again.”

Julian pokes her in the arm.  “Call my babies ‘moose and squirrel’ and you can call yourself ‘that shiny puddle on the neighbors’ lawn.’”

“I still say I’m the most nonsensical choice for godparent,” Wade complains as Cessily’s character gets flung across the scenic courtyard on the screen.  “I am definitely having a chat about this with Pregasaurus Rex.”

“Regina,” Laura corrects, making Cessily shriek and Josh jump.

Wade glances at her.  “Oh.  Yeah.  So, Greenie, like I was saying…I’m not really suited to the godparent thing.  I mean, you ‘n Jules are pretty messed up yourselves, so don’t you think the kid should have a normal godparent?  Megan and whatshisface, they’d be great godparents.”

“I don’t like Megan,” Laura points out.  “And neither do you, old man.  As for your opinion on me and my husband, his mental state is no doubt judged more negatively than he deserves because of his choice in spouse, and I happen to think I’m well-adjusted.”

Wade snickers.  “Heh, especially compared to the way you were seven years ago.  You were messed up, even for a sixteen-year-old.  Fortunately, two years doing hero-ish things fixed that.”

“Ack!” Cessily says, standing up as if it will help her play better.

“In complete seriousness, you’re the distilled essence of ‘normal,’ Wade.”

Everyone turns to stare at her except Wade, who punishes Cessily for her inattentiveness by annihilating her character.  “Eat Izuna Drop, Spartan,” he says with relish.  “I can see your house from here!”

“Noooooo!” cries Cessily, falling back onto the couch.  “Ah, shit, he broke my streak…”

Wade tosses the game controller back to Julian and stands up to give Laura an incredulous look.  “Greenie, you need your head examined.”

She raises an eyebrow.  “Your speech patterns are a heavy amalgam of popular slang, you are a virtual encyclopedia of popular culture, you enjoy an eclectic variety of music, your diet is ethnically diverse…”

“Well, yeah, okay,” he grudgingly admits.  “Buuut my boyfriend is a fruitcake, I accidentally do high-order math in my head, I talk to myself and reply, and I still see and hear stuff that pretty much nobody else notices.”

Laura absently drums her fingers on the round bulk of her belly.  “You are a tactically sound choice.  As far as can be easily ascertained, Hope has been kidnapped no fewer than eight times, three by A.I.M., two by Hydra, and three more by assorted terror organizations, and she never once sustained injury or lasting emotional distress from any of them.  You’ll be an excellent babysitter, which I believe to be a key feature of any effective mentor—originally one of the major roles of a godparent.”

“Okay, I know better than to argue with you when you go into X-23-mode,” Wade sighs.  “And it’s pretty damn hard to emotionally distress a kid who grew up in the middle of a war against flying cockroach-people.”

She walks up to him and kisses his cheek.  “You’ll be a _wonderful_ godfather, old man.  Now, someone give me a controller so I can kick my husband’s ass.”

 

 **.End.**


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